Sunrises and holy meanderings

For some reason today I was convicted to stop it all, to stop the madness, the rush, the noise…and to simply rest. To be honest, this has been my heart’s calling for quite some time now. To stop, drink a cup of tea, admire the slight breeze that is blowing across the Midwest, and meditate on the simplicity of life. People always ask the question, “Why.” I am not sure that is quite the right question. In getting lost in the question we become lost in life. The right question, perhaps, is “So what?” I am a Wheaton College student, interning at World Relief, passionate about the Middle East and hospitality, in love with Water Polo, more at home in the wilderness and the mountains than I am just about anywhere…so what? I am a woman, a Christian, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a child…so what? I think the end to which all of us should strive to seek is discovering that none of it matters. None of it at all. Our identity is simply a lens through which to view the glory and grace of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Don’t get me wrong, I believe very strongly in who I am…there are moments, however, where I forget. Where I loose sight of myself, where I get lost on this journey we call life, where I fear the world. I do not intend to spend hours and hours rambling about this, which is just the point. We, as humans, as philosophers, theologians, college students…spend all together too much time theorizing about these kinds of things. So today I was convicted. Well, again, it’s been more of a process that began ever since I set foot on the Sahara for the first time, ever since I explored the pyramids, the great churches of antiquity, the back alleys of the deserts…I was reminded as I looked into the eyes of the gentle old men who spend idle day after idle day drinking tea and smoking hookah that there is more to life than all this. I was reminded that we are not here to accomplish anything. For in ourselves we have nothing inherently valuable to give. If we think that we do, we are fooling ourselves. Instead, we are here to give testimony to what, out of the abyss of the darkness of this world, we have received in light. We are here to rejoice in the light of the world. We are here to bathe in it, to dance in it, and yes, at times, to study it. However, we cannot create light. We can write poetry about it, let it change us, read a novel about it, imagine how it has affected us throughout the eons of the ages…but we cannot create it. We can filter it, create artificial examples of it, hide it, manipulate it, and transform it…but we cannot create it. But so often, we get lost in the attempt to do just that. I don’t know the purpose to which I am writing this. Perhaps instead of the “tales of a pilgrim,” it should be the “musings of an ignorant girl,” or “ramblings of a student,” or, better yet, “the random notes of someone who thinks they know something, but in fact, know nothing at all.” But I hope to one day be on a pilgrimage. I hope one day to have something of substance, some memory that sheds light on the questions of the day. I hope to speak God’s truth as surely as I can make up my own. Perhaps that is why I have chosen to write my tales, in the hope that, unknowingly, I may, in the midst of a sentence, utter some remnant of some ancient truth that rings loud. I don’t know why I feel the need to make this public either. It seems I am finally jumping on the technological advances of the 21^st century. I admit abject uselessness when it comes to most things related to a computer. Maybe I hope that one day the meaningless words of a student might mean something to someone. Maybe by opening my words up for public criticism or admiration, I open myself up for God to hear me more clearly. Who knows. Maybe it’s just a gentle reminder to myself that I do have something valuable to say. Sometimes it’s easy to forget our voices. Even when we’re speaking or writing, it’s easy to forget that we are individuals who have hearts. I may seem contradictory. Perhaps I am; it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been told so.

Well, enough of this. I’m going to go enjoy the wonderful company of a dear friend of mine. The evening will probably involve food, good conversation attempting to get at the heart of things, a nice walk, and lots of cups of tea. We will, in essence, be trying to live. Then in the morning, I will rise and try to catch the sunrise.